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Title:Hold me close, Love me most.
Rating: Pg-13 (I think)
Warnings:A little naughty language, hints of homophobia but nothing major. First fanfic challenge, first Merlin fic (I think it deserves warning)
Disclaimer:I own nothing except a hundred books which would be the only thing you'd get if you sued me.
Author's Notes (A/N): Written for [info]merlinxarthur's fanfic challenge #6. Prompt picture 14 (this picture)

“I love you Merlin. I can’t lose you.”


      Hold Me Close, Love Me Most.


Merlin was fifteen the first time he went to an amusement park. It was the same year he kissed his first boy. On the top of the Ferris wheel Arthur Pendragon, prat and bully, had kissed him – lips chapped and cooled by the crisp night air. It was a night Merlin would never forget, for it was the best of his life and one of the most painful. Because afterwards Arthur had called him a cock loving poof, punched him, and swaggered off with a blonde bird on his arm while Merlin bled and ignored the jeering of Arthur’s footy mates.

            The years had passed and Merlin had kissed Arthur more times than he could count. He still bled on occasion afterwards but he didn’t complain (he liked it when Arthur couldn’t control himself and marked Merlin with his teeth.) , and he was still ignoring Arthur’s mates on the rare occasion that they noticed Merlin enough to say anything.

            Tonight they had noticed.

“Does he suck your cock Arthur? Is that why you keep him around?” The big blond bloke – Jay or Kay or some other three letter name because anymore than that and the idiot wouldn’t be able to spell it – said around a mouth full of crisps. “He looks like he would be good at sucking cock.”

            Merlin had been three feet away retrieving pints from the bar, though he knew that it wouldn’t have mattered if he had been sitting next to the meat-head. It wasn’t the first time Arthur’s mate had spoken like that about Merlin and he suspected it wouldn’t be the last.

            He had curled his fingers tight around the cool, sleek glass and waited. Waited for Arthur to do something, to say something, – anything – to defend the man he claimed to love.

            Merlin had been disappointed. Like he always was.

“Shut it.” Had been Arthur’s only response as he lifted a glass of amber colored liquor to his lips.

            He had been grinning, cheeky and wide, and it had been the last straw for Merlin. He had barely refrained from dumping the pints into Arthur’s lap. Barely. Instead he had placed the pints on an empty table and walked away. He hadn’t thought Arthur would even notice.

            He had but Merlin didn’t realize that until a cool hand and curled around his wrist and pulled him to a stop.

“Mer…they’re just drunk.”

“I don’t care about them Arthur! I don’t care about what they think of me, or what they say! What I care about is you!”

“You don’t unders-”

“Oh, I understand. I understand that you’re too scared off disappointing your father, of having your mates know that you’re a poof. I understand that Arthur.” Merlin had looked away then and eyed the dirty brick of the pub.

I understand.” He had said in a whisper soft voice. “But what you don’t seem to get Arthur is that your fear is blinding you to the fact that you’re losing me. And…it had been my hope that you would see in time to keep me from falling from your grasp, but, but now I’m not sure I want you to catch me.” It had nearly killed him to look at Arthur again. To see the pain and despair in his eyes. “I’m not sure I want you anymore.”  


Merlin sat on the floor with a bag of crisps, his snuggie, and Bambi playing on the telly. He told himself that he was crying because of the mum deer being shot and not because Arthur had yet to come home.

He was a terrible liar even to himself.

He was debating with himself about giving in and calling when his mobile beeped with a text. MEET ME. PLEASE. – A! Despite himself he felt his heart flutter – the traitor – and smiled.


            London was beautiful beneath the evening sky and as the capsule reached the top and loomed over the Thames Merlin thought it was a shame he didn’t have his camera.

“Merlin.” Arthur voice was hoarse and it sounded like he had to force it out. It was the first time he had spoken since Merlin had arrived and Arthur had led him inside the private capsule.

            Arthur snaked his arms around Merlin’s middle, pulling him so that his back rested against Arthur’s front. His fingers clenched in the red material of Merlin’s jumper as he held Merlin so tightly that Merlin knew he would be left with bruises in the morning. The labored breathing and trembling from Arthur stop him from complaining. Maybe, Merlin thought, maybe Arthur now understood how close he had come to losing him. Maybe –

“I…I can’t-” Arthur paused and a sob escaped him. Merlin could feel tears dripping onto the column of his neck, sliding down to pool in the sensitive space where his shoulder and neck met. It was the same spot Arthur would suck and bite and lick while thrusting his body into Merlin’s, holding him just as closely as he made Merlin cry for him.

“I can’t lose you.”

It was said in a whisper but in the small space the words seem so much louder. They rung in Merlin’s ears, making his heart stutter and his breath hitch. He almost choked with the hope that swelled up at those words.

“ I can’t. I love you…I don’t – I don’t know what I would do without you.” He spoke into Merlin’s neck. “I’ll change…I’ll…we – we can tell my father…we can tell anyone you want, just-”

“I…please. Merlin, please.” Arthur was shaking so hard his teeth were rattling.

“Oh, Arthur.” Merlin tired to turn. To look at him, to take him into his arms and reassure him that they would fix it, because he now thought they could. He wouldn’t give up what they had built together that easy. Not yet. “Arthur.”

“Please, don’t leave me. Please. I don’t know how to be without you.”


“Please.” The he was falling to his knees and hugging Merlin’s, he looked so vulnerable and broken that for a moment Merlin was angry with himself. “Please don’t leave. Please.”

            Merlin sighed and felt his own tears begin to fall from his eyes.

“Arthur…Arthur look at me.” He cupped his loves chin in his hand and nudged his head upward until dulled green eyes met his. “I’m not leaving you gigantic prat. Don’t you know I love you.”

“I don’t know why.” Arthur replied as he pulled Merlin down to him.

“Yeah, me neither.” Merlin said. He was pulled into a hug that aggravated his bruised abdomen, ignoring the pain he hugged Arthur tighter.

“I love you Merlin. I can’t lose you.”

“And you won’t Arthur. You won’t.”

            At twenty five Merlin kissed Arthur atop of London with the dark sky above them and the glossy waters of the Thames below. It was a night Merlin would never forget, for it was the best of his life; painful and filled with love.



( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 7th, 2011 03:45 am (UTC)
That was so beautiful.
Mar. 7th, 2011 03:53 am (UTC)
Oh this is so sad & beautiful, loved it. Thank you! ♥
Mar. 7th, 2011 06:26 pm (UTC)
*sniffle* I have a lump in my throat now. what a beautiful story.
Mar. 8th, 2011 02:31 pm (UTC)
this is so nice *.*
Mar. 9th, 2011 03:08 pm (UTC)
That was very sweet. Good job.
Apr. 3rd, 2011 08:11 pm (UTC)
Awww *sniffles* Lovely.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )